I just threw up on my dentist
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
