She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
