why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
