no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
