dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
