I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
