I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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