Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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