your thong is hanging out like whoa
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
