The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
