My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
