why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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