Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
