i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
