What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
