just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
