I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
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I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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