John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The Olympian is in my bed
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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