just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
