How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
