Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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