True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
