if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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