OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
