quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
