i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
