mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
