You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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