I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Drunk is not a location!