I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
