Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
