yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
