I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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