We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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