Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
