i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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