he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
