So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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