Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
