Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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