I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
