there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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