well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
