the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Randomize
