I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
