you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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