I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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