well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
