why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
