I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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