he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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