if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
