dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
