there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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