After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
