i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
