4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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