she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
