Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
