if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
