I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
